Monday, December 31, 2007
Today went for EXPENSIVE K-session.. haiz.. the phone reception confirmed with me it was $13++ but then on the spot say $16.50++.. so &*^* seriously.. but okay i guess we sort of had fun.. i sang alone in the room for 1 hour.. then about 3/4 through it songs went in and out... lyrics go in and out and i suddenly thought of a lot of things and just didn't want to stay in the room anymore.. i went out to SMS and answer call but half of it was fake.. i just wanted to go out.. i didn't want people to see that i'm being sad cos that'll probably irritate them..After K we took a long hard decision of where to eat and we finally ended up in Bugis.. yet again.. and we ate Yoshinoya yet again.. haha.. and then crap a lot of nonsense.. then they start playing the match-making game again.. then everything got all dull moody and dead.. xq you ok??? u realli dun look like so to me...
its already 31th Dec and i cannot do anything right.. what i said previously that i said my resolve was to end it after 30th in the end it never happened.. and i suppose it never will anytime soon.. although i'm greatly affected by the things happening around me but simple words can just wash me away.. but of cos wad i feel and want can definitely never happen.. makes me wanna go back to what i used to have.. yet that also already ended and is beyond salvageable i suppose. guess i was never meant to be then.. i played this game more than 4 times but it all failed.. 2 still deeply carved into me..
Posted by wJ at 11:38 PM
Saturday, December 29, 2007
you know. i dunno.. i can't bring.. nvm.. i can't complete my sentences..anyways today.. had lesson.. don't want to talk about it.. i can only say i've failed yet again.. i'm a disappointment i suppose. i tried so hard and managed to achieved a state of kuang lian for 2 weeks and what happens?? i cocked up.. i missed.. i MEMORISED WRONGLY..
anyways after that went to kun rui to send her pipa for checkup. turns out that the diagnosis she got was very insistent on a single problem.. hopefully something can be done for her
then we headed out to Bishan to eat... ok maybe that was just the best part of my saturday friday thursday so on so forth.. me and xq bought Taiwan dishes and the more we see the more we buy =p.. in the end bought 锅贴, 小龙包, 葱油饼.. ate and chat and talk a lot.. said lotsa funny things... then the group of us went to Orchard.. which was the most bad part..
i somehow strained my left arm WITHOUT carrying anything on it.. it was like OMFG.. and Orchard crowded and carry qin very irritating.. my bag so heavy somemore.. sigh.. nvm.. I can never satisfy people because i'm forever complaining about everything thats inconvenient for me.. went kino was probably the most relief part for me.. cos i stood at the Manga section drop my bag and qin and stone and felt happy that there is NO LOAD on me..
got home.. played audi.. nobody's home.. i'm home alone... everyone went overseas.. damn sian.. the sole reason why i hate/cannot be alone is because i will think a lot.. and i think very far and wide of things at random which are usually searing to me.. sigh.. thinking of old times..
and about my past few posts. i dunno.. i dunno what to do about it anymore.. that person is like.. and i can't help but be like ... i really dunno... i cannot do this.. i'm soft-hearted. and thats my weakness.. a small bit can make me change my resolve???
我真的不知道该这么样才好。我想讲出来但是，觉得讲的时候就会觉得对听的是非
常不公平。反正每个人也忙，我跟不想要有人为我觉得烦恼。我自己受苦够了，不
用也把朋友一起拉下水。
梦里，只有月亮，风云，星星。太阳是可能在出现了。因为我在我心中里用了弓和
箭把心里的太阳射下了。但是因为这种想法很离谱，因为太阳是不可能那么容易射
下来的。
Posted by wJ at 11:46 PM
Thursday, December 27, 2007
我现在真的很恨你。答应我的事看起来，像是说说而已吧。不用劲，我早已经死心了。但是现在，实在对我太狠心了吧?你不用回答，我也知道。过了这段时间，我会改，
可能我们之间也已经结束了。多多保重。
Posted by wJ at 12:10 AM
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
now Yesterday 25/12.. hmmmz its Christmas.. feels like nothing anyways..Yesterday had HH rehearsal.. i was there like 1hour early.. so i got a candy cane from the bass uncle.. =p.. he was like walking around hanging them on instruments so funny.. erhu hang, liuqin hang pipa also hang.. hah.. anyways.. haha XQ gave me a CARD.. and the envelop has a handsome sticker.. =p... haha thanks a lot.. and KB gave us some home-baked delights (i think the cup-cakes are addictive =p ).. =p.... lol it was just rite except for the oil part =p... haha.. oops.. =x
Rehearsal for 走西口 was the same.. i never practice for it haha.. then i said next song sure is 金琳思(forgot which lin liao) which really was.. OMG.. haha.. so i told KB today no 红梅.. but omgosh.. last minute request for 红梅... and then he got upset cos 老师 scolded his starting part.. dun saded la.. sure can do better one =).. lol but haha i also quite happy with it in a way.. i just love 红梅's melody.. =p...
omg la.. 沈老师 told me some stuffs cos i was there early and was playing 阳光.. which i felt like erm.. okay... a very nice offer but i don't think i might want to take up that offer anyways.. i'm not sure myself... i'll see how when the time comes.. then it'll be a serious decision to make liao..
惡作劇2吻 soo funny.. haha... thanks XQ for the recommendation.. =p.. now i got something else to watch apart from my 狂练 season..
sadly the most saded thing that happened was when I wanted to go to sleep.. just felt things were just so unfair.. nothing will change things as they are now.. its all like predestined.. If i've known earlier i wouldn't gave up something else for this.. but how was i to know this would happen yet so fast.. and of cos the most naive thing i could ever say yet over again is "i wish i can turn back time" prevent myself from doing the most horrible mistakes i've ever done to prevent this day from happening.. i call people yet i don't know what i want to say to them.. over something like this i've spent nites not knowing why i'm tearing.. its like a silent killing.. but i've resolved that I will stop everything related to this by end of 2007.. i don't want to carry this forward to 2008.. i've carried this long enough.. 1 years worth of silent suffering.. after the 30th perhaps things will begin to show change already.. i will heed a friend's advice i've always seem to overlook because i thought maybe i didn't had to go that far since its not really that bad yet.. but i guess i really must.. i will move on without the Sun.. i'm sure someday a new Sun will rise.. but now i still have my Moon, Cloud, Wind and Stars.. thanks XQ for the comment in Chinese.. i'll keep them in mind.. =).. start a fresh year..
Posted by wJ at 11:35 AM
Monday, December 24, 2007
Today nothing much really happened.. was happy in the morning but things soured up later.. had a big dinner today.. cos had guest.. and yea.. i think i might just wanna go out for a walk and hope it rains.. the pain of suffering in silence.. i dun want people to know because it's a trouble and it's not worth their time..Its Christmas eve and i remember very clearly what happened last Christmas Eve.. somehow the same feeling came back on this very day.. i came across this thing called.. cast a spell for $4.. its through wicca also known as black magic.. i really want to use it to change things yet i don't want to because of some reasons.. why things turn out like this?? wasn't i happy and free just a week ago or so?? now i'm all over again.. i read the stars and the planets.. i felt happy seeing some yet not so after seeing some other.. i know this is just superstitious but it has been very handy in helping me recall who i am.. because everything described i am able to recollect memories of similar behavior when i was younger or now.. Taurus the star i was born under.. i hate life cos i don't want to live on yet i want to live but not like this..
what is it i lack that i want soo much.. why has it look like things have flipped.. i recall past relations with people.. apparently only 1 had something to think about.. because it was real.. the rest were mere play.. i don't know if i can accept next year coming.. i mean i can't stop it but i feel the winds are changing again.. something else bigger is going to happen next year.. and it might just be my darkest moment.. i feel it and i've visioned it.. am i suppose to find a solution now for later? or wait till it happens and think of something? or ignore it because it has yet to happen..
so i guess its my 2nd Christmas Eve like this.. alone with full of mystery.. to gain 1 u loose 1.. simple theory.. y can't i be more normal.. at least i know some things are for sure.. when i mean no i really mean no without doubt.. and i won't bother trying with it neither.. its like playing with fire.. and i got burned before.. highly unlikely i'll be silly enough to do it again.. i cannot control fire but i can control what i choose to do with it..
May my Sun and Moon look after me, my Cloud and Wind watch over me
Posted by wJ at 10:12 PM
Sunday, December 23, 2007
okay.. today HH rehearsal quite okay. 1st half of the day stoned so i was outside with jeremy and weiling.. and i was forced to stay in the photocopy room with them to listen to their KongQue... haha i only corrected jeremy since i doubt i'm in any way able to correct weiling instead.. so i made him stop being a pencil poking the bubble. =p... and finally got to play Hong Mei.. MY FAVOURITE... haha.. love the erhu melody... haha. i want to hear it again and again... =p.. guess i very long never hear mellow sounds and i just love that kind of sound.. =p only bowed string instruments can produce..then after rehearsal supposedly all wanted to go home so i was like =( ... but it was raining and we played games.. fine.. my chinese grammar is like crap... so i failed the games... feel so stupid... at home everyday talk chinese & luv to sing chinese song yet my chinese sux.. saded.. anyways after some long time... they decided not to go home but go Pastamania. partially happy cos dun haf to go home so early =p... talk about a lot of things.. things related to HuaYue and pairings.. guess heard a few things and got realli realli sianed cos they brought back memories especially those i tried VERY VERY VERY hard to put behind me.. guess thats my own character's fault.. i barely move on.. i always reminisce the past.. aiya.. dunno la... li dat means li dat i suppose.. cannot be helped. LoL... 1st time someone say i look like Uni student. okay la. i know i got old man face... then after all the everything everyone went to take MRT and i take BUS alone.. so saded.. nvm should be getting used to it liao.. after all i'm more or less gonna spend my life alone also.. so better do something about the problems i have being alone.. sigh.. but i hate being alone in any way or form.. i say stupid things like.. "Leave me Alone" and i take it back 5mins later or lesser..
haiz... tomorrow Christmas Eve.. nothing special i suppose... i never went to make any gathering or whatsoever so i guess i'll spend it like how i do every year.. sit in my room alone and thinking or dreaming of the never wills. sigh... now got thoughts of repeating O levels.. haiz.. but like they said i'm not cut for College... but my parents insist its just becos i love my computer and games and friends and music more than my studies so i refuse to study properly.. which i think is rather true also.. aiya my own fault if i screw up.. just feel that my life has entered a phase a pure joy and happiness already but that has already passed and will never occur again.. i can never be as happy like i used to be a few years back.. i find it hard to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror to see myself smiling.. i just see a pair of cold eyes staring back..
i guess i sort of look forward to tuesday more not because it's Christmas but because theres HH rehearsal so i'll see my friends again... but doubt we'll be going out anyways.. high likely everyone has their own program... so probably i'll have to go home also.. sian..
sigh... i think i've been living under someone's shadow very long liao (i'm not offending u if u read this).. met up with an old CO player person i know.. apparently for her to contact me she'll have to go past another person of higher recognition... haiz... i shall continue living under ba... dun think i'll ever have the chance to be known as me instead of that person's friend or something.. aiya nvm.. shall not say further... i think it feels offensive liao..
hahaha okay la KB.. nxt time gif u flower and puff la =p... when u want.. u can pre-order for 30th also.. XQ want also?? =p... Jeremy dunid.. hahh.. he got vinegar can liao.. =p... hah kidding..
Posted by wJ at 11:01 PM
Saturday, December 22, 2007
okay yesterday... did a lot of things... 1st i woke up and did my things + chores and practice.. and i went to Downtown East for 2 reasons.. to buy Durian Puff for KB and to buy Durian Puff for myself.. haha (ADDICTED)it takes a horribly long travel from my place to Downtown by bus 21... 1.5hours journey.. luckily i brought Harry Potter to read.. O_O.. anyways.. yea.. i got there and i entered the shop and guess what.. SOLD OUT... i was like HUH.... cannot do this to me.. not after 1.5hour of traveling.. she left 4 boxes of 4 piece.. i was like standing there making that jszk jszk sound to irritate her.. HAHAHA... then she got quite irritated and ask you need today ar? i say ya.. i need 1 box 12 and 1 box 4.. she could very well just put 3 boxes together and sell as 12.. ( 4piece X3 price is differnt from 12piece alone) she say... ohh but we no more 12.. (i swear i wanted to kill her).. then i was like FINE.. for the sake of a fren and myself i shall buy 3 boxes.. then she take liao.. i was still making the jszk jszk sound... and she dare ask me. want to buy the 4th box? (cos she left 1 more) i seriously wanted to slap her liao... =p... sorry.. i get quite freaky when something incurs my wrath.. =p.. (talking trash).. anyways yar so i got it.. was happy yet not soo happy..
and there i went with my 1.5hour bus home.. omg.. i spend most of the day travelling.. and i got home ate dinner (ate like 1/6 of it.. couldn't palette it down) so i sorta threw away the rest (bad thing to do).. and left for HH.. got stuck on traffic jam and someone was smarter to use the MRT instead.. but somehow i still got there 1st.. hah... gave the durian puffs felt happy about it and continue with rehearsal.. ha.. rehearsal ended.. waited for xq's bus at e buStop to come 1st b4 going off (ha how nice of me).. got home practiced some more (just not satisfied that i'm not performing well enough)... and then MSNed and went to sleep
NOW SATURDAY
Morning woke up and ON the TV and wow.. MTV Mandarin was now showing Karaoke MTV so i sorta sat there and watch and sang along.. hahaha.. and then went for HH Chu Diao concert... okay.. wasn't really very nice but the ending was good.. =p.. Dear XQ.. JY for the next time.. this time just unlucky only... =)... Nic also JY JY... u'll get the kick of it soon.. =p. KB thanks for e cookie.. haha.. haha and XQ so nice to wear the earrings i gave her... hope u liked the roses.. =p..
and then the Pipaians went to Bugis.. and Jeremy left... so me nic cm xq yq left.. talk and talk.. me and xq ate... haha.. the burger not bad.. the prawns are NICE.. then talk nonsense about cm and nic.. haha... didn't really want to participate cos i'm like having my retribution now cos someone is spouting nonsense abt me also T.T ....
and then seperated.. xq yq take train to Bedok i take bus home.. got home.. grab my qin.. prac somemore... prac until 10.30ish then i stopped.. too tired liao.. cannot tank...
tomorrow got HH again.. omg 3 days of HH in a row.. tuesday (Christmas Day) also have.. saded.. aiya sian... i still lack practice.. every moment i see something occurring that in some way has effect on me i just get a feel that its my own fault i nvr work hard enuff then i stress myself till i break or something.. i still gonna keep practicing.. hopefully i can keep up this kuang lian mentality for another 1 more month.. i just hope this 1 month i can get out of my locked down world.. how sad... a rotting 10 spades..
hmm.. tomorrow got gut feeling its stoning day for me again... hmm could we go K again?? hah kidding... the days of vacation are running out for most of my friends how sad.. and i'll be alone still on vacation... Z_Z.. sian... being alone sux..
Posted by wJ at 10:36 PM
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I am soo sorry.. my previous post don't make a lot of sense.. i was sleeping while typing and smsing i suppose.. oops.. my skill.. haha.. functioning while sleeping.. elaborate : yesterday was sleeping at chalet.. then nic came into the room.. said something to me ( realli i dunno what he said ) and according to him i did reply accordingly.. and then that Jeremy came also and said a lot of things.. somehow i replied without knowing what i'm saying.. ( i only can hear mumbling and my mind isn't processing for me what i'm saying )... ._. omg??anyways.. ok.. i'm back.. today was quite plan backfire.. was supposedly going to meet KB at Pasir Ris with his Durian Puffs (haha MMSed him the picture).. but it was raining and i supposedly thought it won't past downtown when we took the shuttle.. but erm.. it did.. and someone didn't want to let me off the bus.. so Sorry (if u actually see this X_X).. anyways rain rain rain... went to Nic's house for a while in the end.. trust me i hate my luggage.. it exploded.. and i didn't bring a lot of things lor.. lousy CHANEL can go throw in the Canal..
got home went out for lunch and then came back.. was watching Anime till i fell asleep watching.. >.< i lack sleep okay.. (i slept on cold hard floor!) anyways... ya.. woke up was chased to buy dinner for everyone.. i went to the market and bought mixed rice. didn't know what i was picking ( STILL ASLEEP just awake enuff to sort of guess what i'm doing )... then drag myself home and ate while watching my Korean Drama (i missed 3 nites worth.. Lost already).. then went back to my room. to find that KB smsed me which somehow made me wanna go sleep AGAIN.. haha.. ok so i gathered all my energy and prac.. prac prac prac.. never prac so long and so focused before this month.. now i'm rather drained.. bored.. watching more anime but getting really shleepy..
tomorrow is friday.. think i might do something nice for someone =p.. spare myself from guilty conscience.. haha.. aiya anyway shun lu lor.. 2 pple want then go lor.. since i'm so free... but OMG.. go back there again.. i'll cry... =p. lousy resort but fun company.. tmr still got HH rehearsal... i never lian hongmei and zhouxikou.. haha lazy to go flip my score and read all the notes.. =p.. dun come in wrong tomorrow can liao... hopefully sunday i don't have to end up stone stone again.. =D.. ok sleepy and tired liao. tmr still got to go a lot of places.. Z_Z.. Nites
Posted by wJ at 11:44 PM
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
and CM.. did silly forfeits.. but after the 4 went to send someone off and we just started drinking mixers (mixed liquor).. apparently the level of danger was too low.. no kick.. okay.. blogging from chalet.. how weird.. ok anyways yesterday was MAD.. stayed up the whole day/nite/nite-morning till today.. zomgz.. everyone went to sleep and had a mattress.. i had the cold hard floor ._. well anyways b4 that.. we played quite fun games thanks to our GMs XQ,nicth game everyone kinda quit the games cos the GMshaha and then we played mahjong till the next morning till sunrise.. O_O... BBQ was quite okay i suppose.. they BBQ a lot of Chicken.. like omg quantity.. there was a lot of baked products no idea why.. we had prawns also and fishball and sausages the usual.. otah etc etc.. haha quite okay i guess. since everyone was there for 1st nite and we sort of ate together and watch TV together. quite fun yet quite tiring...sitting next to Jeremy, and so we locked 1 arm to each other just for grip.. and because it was high and everything i almost lost all my blood pressure and started leaning tightly on his shoulder refusing to budge.. now here came today.. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.. i went to Escape cos not that i really wanted to but i felt like to but didn't dare to so they dragged me there... 1st stop was the Haunted House.. i went in tried my best not to look left and right and just look straight.. apparently i was quite lucky most of the machines were in sleep mode when its my turn to walk across until the ending when i tried to walk across ASAP.. some lights turned on and something was moving on my opposite and there was sound and i scram and ran out the door.. Thrilling.. was quite scared.. haha (okay i'm noobie). then stop 2 was the Viking Ship OMG... it was CRAZY... i shivered like mad.. at 1st the 1st 2-3 swings still quite okay.. after that.. cos i'mhaha.. apparently he felt some kick and i felt the utmost displeasing experience of almost fainting while on it.. the sad life of low blood pressure pple =p... hhaha someone i know same as me.. haha.. (ok i'm crazy now).. then they crazily wanted to sit the inverter where it spins u 360 degrees and it stops u in mid air where your head faces the ground for a few seconds i was like OMG!! i'm DEFINITELY NOT SITTING ON THIS RIDE.. which i didn't cos i think if i did.. they'll probably have to call 995 after their done.. =p.. then we moved on the Family Roller Coaster (i already lost my composure) and was pretty tough for me i guess cos the machine was violent and the sharp turns are pretty fast.. but ok wasn't very bad.. was definitely much better than the viking.. then moved on to the Flipper or something. where it'll go up high and spin in circles also.. omg.. i had to take the single seat.. i was scared to death.. i stared at my shoes and when the ride went up and spun i saw part of the sky without the metal platform i was like OMG... and felt better when i saw the metal platform again.. lol very scared the thing will break off.. haha... (ok i admit i'm total noobie at this kinda things).. they wanted to sit the Rainbow also... similar to Inverter just without the humans spinning 360 degrees but the machine will go in 1 circle.. DEFINITELY STILL NOT RIDING.. then the rain came.. and all rides was suspended for time being.. PHEW i'm SAVED.... then we went back to chalet and here I am to tell you my 1st time scary/freaking horrifying experience.. lucky got someone to hold to or i think i'll seriously die if i was alone.. hahaa
ok theres still tonite hopefully we can think of something interesting to do if not tonite will be quite waste time..must also start packing for tmr check out.... haha thanks to KB for smsing me through sia.. was quite bored sometimes and no one to talk to depended on SMS for life. hah.. =p hope XQ will do well at lesson tommorrow.. i really wanna go K with the 4 of us again on Friday... >.< of cos we'll be pretty much DEAD TIRED.. but hey its FUN... jy XQ for lesson and Saturday... jy KB for Friday and Saturday haha... support 2 frens lol... but its fun. =p
Posted by wJ at 3:35 PM
Monday, December 17, 2007
wahahaha new Artist from my selections hHAHAHA..... SO OMG 王力宏
王力宏 | 王力宏 | 王力宏 | 王力宏 | 王力宏 | 王力宏 | 王力宏
sorry crazy... new fling.. hahaha... 落葉歸根 (王力宏)WOOOO.... love that song.. i must try on Friday... haha.. oops.. haha.. my library is expanding okay.. i'm not stuck with the same-o same-os.. =p.. Ok maybe i just suppose he looks friggin good and cool =p.. hahahaha.. lol gut feeling going do crazy things with my money again.. must restrain.. hahahahahah
okay typing a lot of nonsense..
oh i missed out in the earlier entry.. YESTERDAY HH WAS BOOORING... i barely played anything other than the 2 paged 江河水.. -_-.. i could have watched my 天国的树 (KOREAN DRAMA) .. darn.. wasted morning and afternoon.. =p.... ok la maybe was quite dumb for the 1st half.. spend most of the time silently passing msges to kwuan boon of how boring it is and how it is almost 1PM (lunch-time) hahah the song like want to finish but cannot finish... 没完没了.. but of cos we survived.. haha.. and someone thought i was insane cos that person thought i was laughing at myself -_-... how saddening... hah... oh wells.. misunderstandings always arise.. lunch was quite .... no mood to eat yet somehow 5mins later they started eating.. haha.. okay nvm.. shall not comment..
oh just found out.. my senior in ARMY already... cos he's bigger so he needs to go earlier.. i can't imagine... i really can't.. oops.. srry.. looks like lotsa pple lining up for January liao.. a certain someone has motive for ice skating.. haha.. =p....
Posted by wJ at 10:55 AM
ok sorry about the earlier post..anyways.. haha yesterday was a GREAT DAY... me, Yq, Xq, Kwuan Boon went to K after HH hahh... KALLANG LEISURE PARK SO ULU.. yet it was fully booked.. lucky got someone cancel and so we got from 7 - 10... haha.. quite high and fun.. just 3hrs not very satisfactory to satisfy our heart's content. hahaha.. OMG Kwuan Boon Natural Cai Yi Ling.. HAHAHHAA... super at FRH also.. hahaha Friday must go again... haha.. 2 - 7 then chiong for HH hahh.... crazy but FUN.. =p..
soo much nonsense hah.. b4 K was at Koufu eating.. then spend most of e time staring at the TV that was broadcasting Hong Xing Da Jiang ( Star Awards ) while me and Kwuan Boon were sharing "ice kachang" and the girls kept complaining we very slow -_-.. all just spend time staring at the entrance and whos old who ugly who married whos lonely whos funny whos shuai, whos cute.. etc etc etc etc... haa.. and there was a 2 sided comment about Julian Hee.. hahaha.. i shall not say anything.. =p..
OK OK REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO FRIDAY!!
Posted by wJ at 9:24 AM
I dun understand why... why am i crying.. why do i tear in my dreams.. i wanted to go and sleep and blog tmr instead.. but i found myself crying to myself... i dun understand why i'm feeling this confusion, pain, ache.. What could have triggered this feeling? I dun understand whats happening.. i'm lost.. my tears can't stop..
Posted by wJ at 12:52 AM
Sunday, December 16, 2007
selfish... why does everything seem to look selfish and is selfish.. i guess i should be more.. to try and stop myself and my insane world from going on.. i must break free.. if it wasn't meant to be it will never be.. came to think that there really is no point pursuing something that will never come back. u get it u get it.. u don't u don't.. nothing comes easy.. even through lots of determination, will, hope, effort it will never come.. because that is how it is..속일지도 우리가 그러나 말한 무슨과에 관하여 비록 우리가 모르더라도 그 사기는 여전히 아플 것이다
anyways there ain't much to look forward to anyways.. everything will still come to an end.. bitter sadness.. i dun see many better days ahead.. haiz... probably going to see a doctor again on Monday or something.. my misery.. my destiny.. my responsibility..
thinking about it, i start to wonder... have i actually been truthful to myself lately.. i seem to be a different person everyday.. 1 day i'm sharp, 1 day i'm broken, 1 day i'm sour, 1 day i'm sweet, 1 day i'm rebellious, 1 day i'm innocent.. wad am i in the end? just plain misery and rolling over it to feel like i'm above it?
truth really, i hate new things happening.. i hate new things that replace the old that were like golden.. i hate having to feel this way too.. but wads this feeling?
complications and why do i do them?? i dun understand myself, i'm lost, i'm alone, and i'm no one interesting..
theres a word to put for this i suppose.. but i can't think of it... Forsaken? Forgotten? Irritating..
Anyways.. Happy b'day Jake (if u read this)... forgot to leave behind any msges or well wishes... i've been lost in time.. i thought yesterday was Wednesday..
Posted by wJ at 12:59 AM
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Hmm just thought of this.. stupid but hahaChristmas Wishlist
1. World of Warcraft
2. World of Warcraft, The Burning Crusade
3. World of Warcraft Time Card
4. Something that feels like the best present of the year
5. Everything will remain happy as it is forever
6. A Dream to forever remember
7. Shall not mention further =p
Posted by wJ at 1:09 AM
Okay so today what i did was actually went to find some jobs.. I searched around Novena area since its easily accessible to me.. I actually walked around the 3 shopping centers many many times.. until it was the interview walk-in time.. i tried the Donut Factory but they said only 17 and above although they didn't really believe me when I said i was 16 ( i was dressed for the Runway ), then I looked at the coffeehouses seems to have no spots for me, Mingle the Sausage house requires u to call their manager 1st so i passed.. then i gave up and went to Pepper Lunch, filled in the form and their manager should be calling me tomorrow.. Apparently these are the details.. i'm paid $4.50 an hour, Working hours from 12pm - 11pm.. Lunch Break is 2hours (during this 2hours no pay is given and lunch is not provided), the hideous brown uniform costs $50 and it'll be taken off my salary, i'll be working as a Kitchen Staff where i do the cooking and stuff, Warned: It is very rushing. I must work for a minimum of 3 days to get my pay.
Now... what do you think i'll do later in the morning when the manager calls.. REJECT his lousy crapped up job position.. it's cheaper than buying slaves..
So finally out of desperation for Money.. I actually walked to and fro "Trumpet Praise" kinda lotsa times.. and Steph Wong happens to be working there, so out of final desperation, i decided to ask if they were hiring.. $4.50 to stand about and do nothing?? OMG.. i waaant.. i'm already calculating what should happen if i work full time..
Posted by wJ at 12:26 AM
Friday, December 7, 2007
A feeling that goes beyond feeling its feel? Is it a phase? All literature say it is, but i don't want it to past.. there is only so much one can handle.. the pain in being in this phase is probably indescribable.. what are the rewards? As fact, there are no rewards for the past nor present and it is unlikely to bear anything for the future neither.. in short it is useless and pretty much fruitless.. as of now, i'm not happy yet i'm happy.. a mixture of pure opposites.. how complex could things get.. if it wasn't for a start and a process to form an end.. this wouldn't have happened.. basically, it started and it went through the process and it almost ended but it didn't.. it was left hanging.. the confusion to decide between to end it all or to ignore it.. through ignoring it, the cycle repeats itself over and over..What makes life life?? the experience? the turning points? the phases? we were all educated in one way or another that life is basically about achieving our dreams our ideal or somewhere along those lines and for another batch.. it is to live a human life serving God.. What if God doesn't exist.. such a theory cannot be proven, why? because to deny that God exists it will question to how did Man come about.. to theoretically say that Man is an evolved species from "our ancestors".. Then.. who made "our ancestors"?? a giant cosmic blast they so called it the "Big Bang" with the use of cosmic radiation to combine molecules and atoms to form plants, water, earth, animals and humans?? Makes no sense.. Everything becomes so unclear if you trace both theories together.. If you follow according to the Bible, God made man and all the creatures and living things on Earth. Man lived in ages where they fear God's wrath and the Saviour of Mankind also known as Jesus Christ, Son of God, sacrificed himself for the people.. of all the living creatures the existence of the dinosaurs seem inexistent but human theories and research proves they exist.. how are these going to match.. Is there a bigger concept/theory/knowledge out there that goes beyond Historical Archive of the Human past & Man made/researched theories???
Life filled with so much uncertainty and doubts.. what to believe in? People say seeing is believing.. Science could show so could Religion.. The pure mixtures of confusion going in the heads of those who bother..
Anyways back to less textful stuffs.. Geez.. it had to rain when i wanted to go out.. besides i'm short of cash.. must be a gentle reminder that I don't have what it takes to go out.. haha.
Quite boring at home though.. sit around play mahjong play game practice... i over worked my left fingers.. i feel slight twitches of pain moving them now.. and my thumb hurts during tiao.. so much happening..
Posted by wJ at 6:47 PM
So my holiday's are somewhat ending and well horror starting soon.. 1 more month till i either scream in joy or just look dismayed.. what comes what goes.. hmm ok.. whats been happening lately.. events that I like to happen hahaha... This 4-7 days i've been like with jeremy like almost everyday.. =p... dinner and lunch and whatnot... yesterday was a rainy rainy day.. couldn't go out to look for job.. maybe tomorrow or which is called today.. i'll go to the TCC at Bugis and try out for Part Time Waitor.. wonder if XQ would want to come and try.. maybe not.. i'll call her tomorrow then.. Geez i wanted to try out Goodwood Park Hotel.. friggin super HIGH CLASS.. but only applicable for Full Time.. which i can't do cos got Chalet like next next week.. oh my oh my.. soo many things happening.. but am i taking them easily or still being rushed..
ANYWAYS! YEA i opened my OWN bank account.. i got a card wooo.. slash slash slash* lol okay nevermind.. never going to happen with such a balance.. PIN number was hilarious.. its unguessable. theres no pattern.. and its retarded haha... it is unexpected..
I somehow want chalet to come faster yet somehow don't really want it to happen.. Why does everything always have the pros and cons.. so sianing..
私はあなたおよびiが永久に一緒にあることができるように望む
A strong sense from within.. the adrenaline rush inside my blood when you're with me.. i can never describe the joys of spending my days with you.. if everyday was like that everyday we spent, i have no more regrets and i will high likely spend my rest of my days in bliss and happiness.. sadly this is a thought or story that will never come true.. i wish it would..
Notice i've been experiencing a lot of weird rojak feelings lately again.. out of the honey or water i somehow still experience 吃醋... dunno why.. but i feel it.. must be my mind going far and wide again.. of cause i don't really want to talk or elaborate about this.. its just something i treasure and keep in my dreams with me and my memory for all my life.. =) Wish for a better later =p
Posted by wJ at 12:08 AM
Saturday, December 1, 2007
So envious... hah... crazy...anyways.. swore i missed a few heartbeats today and almost lost blood circulation and fainted at Food Junction -_-..and sitting at the playground with the cold winter winds blowing at me ain't helping me stop from shaking with sheer fear.. -_-.. today was probably one of those days where i just feel so useless and probably everything began because i'm the element of all chaos.. just like what those who "peered" into me feel.. I am the reason why things never turn out good when i'm around.. could it be i really carry the blood of evil?.. Perhaps when my eye turned red again it was a premonition something bad was going to happen.. if i had known better... maybe i couldjust be talking trash.. but i realli think that thats it.. i probably am the element of chaos... nothing nice really ever happens when i'm around.. so i guess today was also my fault... or its probably better that way.. i can bear it all.. no one needs to turn unhappy because of me.. i don't evn know what i'm talking.. i'm insanely feeling like i'm talking to mysel through this blog.. -_-... THe sorm is brewing and i feel the rain coming.. the light drizzles of tears from heaven.. I think i'm talking to much nonsense but this is whats going in my head... a mixture of nonsense.. lots and lots of it.. it never never ends.. i can't control it nor can i stop it.. the voices of nonsense spinning.. in fact it still is.. full of questions and sadness.. but its okay.. i don't really want anybody to come to understand this because its difficult and it problematic.. its a vicious cycle that never ends.. hopefully i'll break free one day.. I sit in a corner typing away on my computer, i must be doing stupid things -_-.. why can't my days always be happy the way i pictured them to be.. they always follow the picture in my mind to an extent of 45%.. good things come good things go.. bad things come but sometimes never go.. the bitter misery kept inside one who can't control it all yet tries to silence it.. a joke.. I really don't know what to feel for this week.. it was sort of happy yet sad yet annoying yet i duno. its just like "rojak" a mixture of everything.. i'm always in mixtures of everything. tossed and turned in different ways. i want to talk yet i don't want to.. stupid it can get... i got too much loaded in me.. what could really be the best way to remove all these.. i'm tired of listening to myself already.. is there a way to mute my inner thoughts.. a way to stop this throbbing headache.. my mind is unclear and fuzzy.. i think i just need more sleep.. but that becomes a cycle.. the more i sleep the more i dream.. the more i think life ain't it.. darn.. this is bad for my mental health. i'm going crazy..
Anyways. haha today today today.. really no coment.. still shaking from the inside about what happened.. of cos me being the best at concealing my feelings (ok maybe that was exaggerattion) so nobody knows whats really going on. somehow i feel its better that way, nobody has to feel troubled,worried for me.. cos they don't know whats going on.. yea it should be better. looking forward to a beter tomorrow.. an ideal i should keep everyday..
ahh well.. i guess that was all mythoughtless spamming for now i suppose.. typing without thinking what i'm typing just following the flow my fingers are going with my thoughts.. and have i mentioed how cold the winter wind is.. i wanna snug up in my bed liao. hahaha i miss my dicey.. =p.. i'm obssesed over my dicey.. and i think someone knows why.. ok thats creepy.. i must keep low profile for such things =p.. yet i'm talking aimlessly and brainlessly.. haha. HEADACHE!!!... Caution.. try not to make me think =).. i think my head is going to break... i want morphine.. i want panadol.. i want glass of water.. and i want my dicey.. =p.. MINE. =p. crazy.. hahhha.. understanding is not an action is it?? lost..
by all and all i guess i should keep things the way they are.. not to interrupt whatever is happening around me.. alrite.. time to put up "smiles" for the wolrd while bearing my HEADACHE and the spammage of nonsense going in and out of my mind. maybe should see doctor for stress pills. hahaha.. am i stressed?? could that be it?? hopefully not cos i don't think i should be stressed during my vacation. yea... free my $mind.. free my mind and that probably might just stop my headache.. yea.. happy tomorrow i hope..