Tuesday, October 28, 2008

......................

i totally dunno what to do right now... everything so very complicated, everything all mixed up right now.. i don't know what my mind is thinking at all.. the past seems to patch themselves up slowly yet the present is just tearing apart.. i don't even want to know whats the future.. i am really just beyond confused and everything right now.. i don't even know what went wrong where it went wrong how it went wrong... for God's sake i don't even know what blardy happened.. my mind is just killing me with a lot of thoughts and stuffs.. the past and present just fusing together and definitely NOT producing any good products other than more than sheer utter pain..

i'm still racing with my mind saying "what am i doing?!?!" i rather definite that i'm apparently hearing 2 people right now.. weijie and ivan.. my minds a mess and everything that i picture in my mind is a mess.. how many times do i need this to happen.. my mind is at its extreme end driving me close to crazy.. my moods are swinging at extreme polarities.. maybe i really have toiled all my past too long.. i cannot being to understand what is on my mind.. and i'm most definitely irritated that is why the blardy hell am i still crying... or at least what is it thats trigerring all these.. am i even human? everything is a giant mess now.. i don't even know whats left and right.. my mind is showing me impressions/pictures starting from 5 years back.. all the phases of my life are all coming back to me, masks, lies, violence, misery, jealousy, hatred, agony..

i know for sure right now i really wish i can put myself to sleep and never wake up... i cannot.. guess this is my own double edge.. i've left soo many things unsolved and now they've all come to haunt me at once.. my nights haunted by the past, every night.. my days haunted by remorse and reality daily.. who am i, what am i, why does it feel like i'm having a double personality or perhaps more.. voices in my head cramming cramming.. i want them all to SHUT UP but they won't.. how long will this punishment last.. what is the penance that i need to pay.. its already starting to disorient everything i'm doing again.. its a vicious cycle.. i dunno what on earth i'm saying at all.. i really cannot handle my mind.. its become something that is controlled by me yet by another me..

things that left me looks like or feels like patching up.. or is it just my hopeful wish.. but even so, why then does the pain still last.. the wait still aching.. the silence still there.. what is my penance, i willingly will pay to please let this punishment end.. all these start to happen just because i saw my past right before me.. i don't understand.. it doesn't make logic anymore..

left utterly horribly confused and mixed.. wishing time will stop

Posted by wJ at 10:43 PM

Monday, October 27, 2008

when will my time be up?

Disclaimer: What you read might deprove your chinese.

已经三年了。 我还却无法忘记那几天。三年后，你的影子还深深的在我脑海里。

沉默了好几天，已为能忍就忍，但一看到了那熟悉的照片而让我突然掉眼泪。可能
是我这个月第二次哭的那么残。想找随个人谈话，让我比自己想别的事，但没人在。
最后，就哭到睡为止。

单独时，心情很乱，也很差。随时都能不知不觉的掉眼泪。眼泪温热了我的脸，感
觉的确有痛。

why is it things are showing signs of repeat when there was no intention nor motive.. it always seems to be my fault.. anything and everything that has left an impression on me somehow all seems to be my fault.. everything is just starting to fall back again, and this feeling is freaking pathetic.. i don't need more, true enough i've never really settled anything i've only placed them aside and not think about them..

ironic is just everything i say,do,think.. i hate going on like this.. everyday anything bad happens to my surroundings it always ends up me blaming myself.. because i'm imperfect because i'm stupid because i'm a loner who has depended on people too much? i keep everything in because i didn't want to be seen as pathetic, all the past, present and future. i didn't want to be to known as who i used to be.. dependant, irritating, possesive, obssesive and pathetic. i don't blame life being unfair to me, cos i'm definite there are others far worst off than me.. i don't need people to understand why i think differently.. i'm just ironic and i know it myself.. i even freaking lie to myself at times..

i don't want to say anymore.. as useless as i am.. i'm going to leave all this here today, and move on to tomorrow.. the next day still comes, time doesn't wait for mistakes and regrets. i can only deeply say to everyone and anyone i've made a misunderstanding with or hurt or annoyed, i'm sorry.


i don't want to pursue today any furthur..
Good Nite..

Posted by wJ at 11:13 PM

Monday, October 20, 2008

rojak, yong tau fu, chapalang

lots of things happened past few days.. shan't mention much...

anyways haha.. i got to see Wuzun life on Wednesday!!.. was like waaa.. haha.. sadly YET AGAIN.. i DIDN'T HAVE THE CAMERA WITH ME!!.. anyways ok took some blur blur pics..




woo.. ok so blur.. so sad... (ToT) ...

well school.. same ol same ol... nothing much to say.. it slightly agitates me each day.. but at least i feel better when the weekends come.. about time i start doing my thesis again liao..

Went to KLP again wif cm and xq.. saw the BI coat.. i think its nice yet not so nice... i prefer it to have higher collars and longer tails.. hahahaha... ate Korean Stall at Foodcourt wasn't the best but was quite ok.. played arcade.. they ball game was rather fun.. the win a PSP game was so stressful.. i rather play the 2D one using red blocks.. instead of 3D ladders.. (^o^)

then saturday spent like most of my day locked in.. "zi bi" jus kidding.. haha..

Sunday went for lesson... ok ok la.. not very good can do better.. ha.. and it finally rained.. the trio of us went to Bugis then Central.. bought my white shoes... hopefully its good enough.. since it costs me 60SGD.. then we went ya kun to be uncle and aunties.. "jia loti, lim kopi" hahaa.

looking forward to the next coffee gathering.. (^o^)

Posted by wJ at 10:51 AM

Sunday, October 12, 2008

probably will be longer gaps

To ALL CONTESTANTS OF NCMC 2008!!.. JIAYOU, GAMBATE, KEEP GOING!!!

found what i really want and really want to do... so i shall put that into practice.. because i know my aims very clearly and how much it means to me... so lets all work hard (=

Balloting on Friday was like sooo stress.. ok results came out and its still tough.. haa.. the numbers just going through my head.. 1,3,4,5,14,15,16 and who knows maybe some in between... arghh

dreaming quite a lot in the nite lately.. all just as unexpected and purely not comparable to reality.. so yea... shall keep mum about them since i don't really remember what were the events anymore..

gotta remember to practice for my Jazz Piano for Monday!! and etc etc etc... 2 more weeks to essay submission... i hate this last few months.. so freaking Busy la... i'm like flipping through books or typing away on Microsoft Word everyday.. and now i gotta start re-reading my History notes i've taken for History class.. Assessment week is coming !!!...

celebrated Jeremy's birthday at Minds Cafe... got lost cos we were at Clark Quay and not Boat Quay... looks similar anyway... haha Happy Early 18th my dear old friend.. ha.. its been erm.. 5 years since? haa

okie signing out!

Posted by wJ at 12:18 AM

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Voiding the feelings of the unnatural

Monday had last minute notice that Rhythm Ensemble was canceled cos Andy was sick.. so went to watch Boys over Flowers FINAL yay finally see the show to its end.. Tsukasa and Makino got married.. although i still would rather watch it if it was Hanazawa Rui and Makino.. haha.. Oguri Shun.. woo.. haa.. i saw him... on the Movie Screen that is.. haha its like Yaaaayy..!! he is acting as Hanazawa Rui my favourite Character again.. haha so satisfied paying that $6.. i feel like watching again.. haha

Tuesday had no school cos College close at 1pm and class starts at 1pm.. so stayed home and do my regular routine.. then in the evening went to NAFA to watch concert.. haha hmm been quite a long time since i saw Jeremy.. haha (although i rmb last seeing him erm.. a few weeks back for lesson lol).. then saw YiQing performing on stage.. haha.. ok la.. all very long never contact liao.. then went to eat roti prata with Xueqi and her mum.. haha.. "THANKS AUNTIE for the meal.. Arigato Gozaimasu"

Wednesday, Hari Raya Puasa cum Children's Day.. of cos i celebrate neither.. so as usual.. the normal routine.. had lesson.. wasn't good and i know it from everywhere of myself.. time running out.. i must really you know.. even if cannot must force something out of it even if i just breakdown from practicing even though i can't make it..

Today, went back to school.. overslept thought was gonna be marked late for Aural.. to my surprise teacher thought this week no school.. Zzzz.. so i rot in the library till noon then went LJS to eat.. then went back to find some of my classmates on the Green.. so sat with them and chat.. haha got a classmate asking me a lot of questions, questions about Art in singapore and about my research and my thinking on Dance.. heh heh.. creative workshop i don't think anyone will wanna use my concept of timelessness.. simply agonising torture.. imagine living forever and you see the clock repeating its cycle for eternity and you live through eras and ages.. how much pain you have to bear if you are constantly hurt everytime.. Displayed my Essay Plan to Felix today, he was happy with it in a way.. said i was good at least i know what i want to get and what i am aiming towards.. i very scared i do wrongly then screw up my whole thing.. haa


ARghhh.. so stress.. (actually not really) but its just that sorta feeling.. i dunno izit because competition is coming or i'm just facing things that i don't want to face so commonly... as usual i will keep my silence.. after all, its better to be nobody than a sore thumb sticking right out.. hee hee thanks to all who wished my luck for Balloting Day.. haha i so drama..

can't explain why i somehow just break down and flood sometimes.. a feeling that when i recite it in my head just makes me feel so worthless and stupid.. perhaps maybe i take certain things too deeply or too seriously thats why i'm prone to this.. its so true that it is easier to be with those who have been with you for years than others.. at least its more comfortable because there is a mutual understanding.. i dun even know whats up with me.. maybe i got so high recently was because i've been stoning for 10months and wallowing in retardedness doing retarded things and planning retarded things.. which totally makes me wanna stab myself..

What are tears and emotions.. why do they occur when u least expect it.. am i that frail?.. mere words and experiences can shatter.. its become some issue on me arghh... gotta wash it off... i need to focus now.. at least for the next 12/13 weeks i must FOCUS...

Jiayou WeiJie you can do it... or at least you must.. haa



Posted by wJ at 11:59 PM