Tuesday, October 28, 2008
......................
i totally dunno what to do right now... everything so very complicated, everything all mixed up right now.. i don't know what my mind is thinking at all.. the past seems to patch themselves up slowly yet the present is just tearing apart.. i don't even want to know whats the future.. i am really just beyond confused and everything right now.. i don't even know what went wrong where it went wrong how it went wrong... for God's sake i don't even know what blardy happened.. my mind is just killing me with a lot of thoughts and stuffs.. the past and present just fusing together and definitely NOT producing any good products other than more than sheer utter pain..
i'm still racing with my mind saying "what am i doing?!?!" i rather definite that i'm apparently hearing 2 people right now.. weijie and ivan.. my minds a mess and everything that i picture in my mind is a mess.. how many times do i need this to happen.. my mind is at its extreme end driving me close to crazy.. my moods are swinging at extreme polarities.. maybe i really have toiled all my past too long.. i cannot being to understand what is on my mind.. and i'm most definitely irritated that is why the blardy hell am i still crying... or at least what is it thats trigerring all these.. am i even human? everything is a giant mess now.. i don't even know whats left and right.. my mind is showing me impressions/pictures starting from 5 years back.. all the phases of my life are all coming back to me, masks, lies, violence, misery, jealousy, hatred, agony..
i know for sure right now i really wish i can put myself to sleep and never wake up... i cannot.. guess this is my own double edge.. i've left soo many things unsolved and now they've all come to haunt me at once.. my nights haunted by the past, every night.. my days haunted by remorse and reality daily.. who am i, what am i, why does it feel like i'm having a double personality or perhaps more.. voices in my head cramming cramming.. i want them all to SHUT UP but they won't.. how long will this punishment last.. what is the penance that i need to pay.. its already starting to disorient everything i'm doing again.. its a vicious cycle.. i dunno what on earth i'm saying at all.. i really cannot handle my mind.. its become something that is controlled by me yet by another me..
things that left me looks like or feels like patching up.. or is it just my hopeful wish.. but even so, why then does the pain still last.. the wait still aching.. the silence still there.. what is my penance, i willingly will pay to please let this punishment end.. all these start to happen just because i saw my past right before me.. i don't understand.. it doesn't make logic anymore..
left utterly horribly confused and mixed.. wishing time will stop
Posted by wJ at 10:43 PM